Damaging Relationships

Are you repeatedly getting hurt in your close relationships? Has it started to bother you that you’re always portrayed as the sole wrongdoer? Are your relationships playing a role in making your self-understanding negative, instead of enriching you? Have you started re-evaluating yourself in ways you never did before, doubting, “Am I really this kind of person?” Are you tired of always apologizing like the offender, even when you’re sure they are in the wrong?

If your answers to the questions above are “yes,” this indicates that you are in unfulfilling relationships. Continuing these relationships without any adjustment will harm your emotional well-being. If you want your emotional health to be protected, you must re-evaluate these close relationships with a new perspective. In this article, we will reflect on how we can protect ourselves from damaging relationships.

Are We Flourishing?

Close relationships are inherently delicate. We are always delighted if they endure with us. Some are familial; these are the relationships we have with our mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and other blood relatives. Others might be work, friendship, or neighborly relationships. Regardless of the type of relationship, if we want to continue investing in them, they must be evaluated. The standard for this evaluation must be based on: “To what extent are our relationships enriching all of us?”

But when are we considered to be flourishing in our relationships? The answer is clear. We flourish when our relationships build us up; relationships that are dismantling our very being can never be said to be enriching. Our relationships enrich us when they grant us our due human worth; relationships that devalue and degrade us can never be said to be enriching. Our relationships are considered enriching when they can positively cultivate the goodness and potential within us. If our relationships are killing our dreams and creating a sense of powerlessness, they cannot be called enriching. Enriching relationships should grant us additional opportunities and capacity to become who we cannot be alone, through togetherness. If we have relationships with the characteristics mentioned, that is excellent; we should protect them carefully, like the pupil of our eye.

However, not all our relationships are enriching; some are indeed destructive. Some of our relationships are based on denying our dignity; while we are present, we are overlooked, ignored; they expect us to be the executors while they are the deciders. Their aim is to impose their desires on us, not to reach a mutual understanding.

Some are known for mercilessly hurting our feelings; we find ourselves more hurt than satisfied. Others are very demanding of us but stingy towards us. They might not be there for a single one of our questions but will endlessly resent us for one unanswered question out of their thousands. Our needs are never prioritized, while others’ desires always come first. Because they make everything about themselves, we feel alienated; they drain our inner joy.

Some are even worse than this. The days we are supposed to meet are not anticipated with longing but fill us with dread, wondering what might happen. When we meet, the knowledge that their dossier of accusations is getting thicker also becomes a source of our fear.

This doesn’t mean we don’t argue or clash in constructive relationships. When our relationships are constructive, our conflicts are not destructive but build us up and are opportunities for us to learn. However, if our relationships are repeatedly eroding the little positive self-perception we have and diminishing our self-confidence, then they are not conducted in a spirit of equality, and they serve no purpose for us.

Setting Boundaries

No interpersonal relationships should be without principles; lines must be drawn for them. Setting easily unbreakable boundaries is crucial to protect our physical and emotional well-being. It must be clearly understood by all of us what types of behaviors are acceptable and unacceptable in our relationships.

Not knowing these rules causes our emotions to be hurt, our self-confidence to decrease, and makes us victims of others’ aggression. If we cannot set boundaries, we become exposed to unnecessary tension, find it difficult to know or communicate our needs, become vulnerable to undue expectations; we find it hard to say “no” to things we don’t want without feeling guilty; and we find it hard to preserve our individuality.

We must also realize that we are the ones who determine our boundaries. We are the ones who know “to what extent do I feel comfortable, and what disturbs me?” Our relationships must always be examined for how much they are based on respect. Our worth must also be correctly valued and confirmed. If we are asked to participate only after everything is decided, if plans change without our agreement, and if disrespectful actions repeatedly occur, we must know that these are signs of boundaries being crossed.

Our togetherness should by no means be a source of threat; we must feel safe. Our individuality should not be repeatedly violated in the name of togetherness. We should not allow the limits we have stated, which should not be crossed, to be repeatedly violated. When these principles are violated, it’s not enough to just become aware; we also need to make others aware.

Standing Up for Oneself

Many of us don’t know that we need to stand up for ourselves in our interpersonal relationships. Many of us also confuse standing up for oneself with a lack of humility or selfishness. As a result, when others twist our arms and use us to serve their own agenda, we lose the ability to say “no.” We fail to stop them when they constantly bring up our weaknesses to criticize us, not to improve us, making us feel inferior. We also quietly endure when they monitor and destroy our relationships with others or tarnish our names.

However, if we want our relationships to benefit both us and others, we must learn to stand up for ourselves. But what does it mean to stand up for oneself? We are said to be standing up for ourselves when we recognize our own needs and choices and can communicate them to others. Standing up for oneself is not just about communicating our needs and choices; it also includes not silently enduring when our needs are pressured and pushed aside. When a line is crossed, it must be clearly communicated. If necessary, it is also essential to walk away. All parties involved must understand that the relationship between us is based on willingness and is a relationship between equals.

However, communicating our needs and choices is not to say, “Everyone should revolve around my needs.” There should be no expectation that “everyone should be my servant.” It is not about neglecting others’ choices; it is about expecting our choices to be respected, just as we respect theirs.

Authenticity

For our relationships to be enriching, their foundation must be authenticity. Authenticity, above all else, is the basis of trust. One of the primary ways authenticity is expressed is by living a life free from pretense. When our interpersonal relationships are based on truth, the feelings and thoughts we harbor within will be in harmony with our outward words and actions; our lives will not host contradictions. We will not be overcome by the fear of expressing our thoughts. Notifying differences will not be considered a problem; we will also understand that uniformity is neither expected nor beneficial for us.

Our relationships should never pressure us to pretend to be something we are not. People should accept and respect our differences. The reason we are loved and accepted should be because we are our authentic selves, not because we are simply wanted. If the day we received applause was a day we spent conflicting with our inner self, then it truly indicates that our relationship needs healing.

And So

This does not mean we won’t have conflicts in our enriching relationships; perhaps we might even quarrel more than in unfulfilling relationships. However, the types of conflicts have clear differences. When our relationships are constructive, our conflicts, too, are not destructive but build us up and are opportunities for us to learn. But if our relationships are repeatedly eroding the little positive self-perception we have and diminishing our self-confidence, then they are not conducted in a spirit of equality, and they serve no purpose for us.

Damaging relationships should not simply be left unaddressed. If we don’t adjust them, they will significantly harm our emotional lives and our self-perception. Over time, we may begin to accept being wronged and being considered the wrongdoer; while we empathize with others, we become harshly judgmental towards ourselves. Being surrounded by people who do not accept our true selves will strip away our peace; we will also be unable to live our own lives and pursue our dreams. Our lives will gradually become less truthful and more performative. No one can continue on a path of pretense for long; it becomes tiresome; and it is also not an acceptable path in the eyes of God. Some irredeemable relationships must be resolutely ended. It’s also important to understand that ending a relationship doesn’t mean becoming enemies; rather, it can be an act of setting boundaries.

[1]  Given that the article was originally written in Amharic and then translated into English using AI, it’s important to be mindful of potential nuances that might have been lost in translation.