Anger

By Dr. Tekalign Nega Angore (PhD)_[1]

We all get angry, though the form and intensity vary. Some of us have anger like a blazing fire; others might be considered mild. Some find it difficult to cool down once angry, while others are quick to recover. For the rest, anger has become our identity, as we are always tense, and it doesn’t even get us the attention we desire.

The good news is that we can transform our anger into a valuable resource. It is indeed possible to prevent our anger from escalating to psychological stress, further damaging valuable relationships, and turning into physical and emotional abuse.

In this article, we will focus on the anger we express towards each other. Our main concern is how to express our anger. The goal is to provide insight into how our anger can play a role in fostering reconciliation and peace rather than fueling further conflict.

How Often?

In general, if we speak frankly, there are few days we have passed without getting angry. Studies conducted on students as a sample show that we get angry on average 7 times a week; that’s about once a day. Of course, this number drops to 3 to 5 times a week when we reach 30. By the time we are 40, it decreases to once or twice a week. What decreases, however, is not just the frequency of our anger but also its intensity. Before our 30s, our anger is volatile, more destructive than constructive. Between 30 and 50, it tends to be moderate, and by the time we reach our 50s, our anger is minimal. By the time we reach our retirement age of 60, there is a high chance we will just be considered only as emotionally disturbed._[2]

Most anger stems from our interpersonal relationships. Of course, we humans are capable of getting angry at things like a bird’s fecal deposit on us or the weather being cloudy instead of sunny. However, we get angry at things less often than at people. Out of 100 times we get angry, 88 stem from our interpersonal relationships; we mostly get angry at people. We are more likely to be angry with those we love (33 percent) and are close to (21 percent) rather than with those we don’t care about._[3]  There are also times when we get angry at ourselves for doing something we shouldn’t have. We anger at ourselves because we believe that anger is a way to teach ourselves not to repeat the mistake.

Sometimes, we even get angry at God. We blame God for the hardships we face in life. Situations arise where we feel abandoned, even though our hearts are with Him and we are walking in His path. We bitterly complain, like the Psalmist David, saying, “You made us like sheep for slaughter, you scattered us, sold us for nothing, and made us a mockery.”_[4] The good thing is that God doesn’t listen to this kind of complaint with a sense of offense. Coming to God with our anger shows that He still has a place in our hearts and that we have no other refuge than him. On God’s part our anger directed at him will not be taken as disbelief but as an expression of faith. Our message is, “You are our helper, please rise up and rescue us,” and the very God we are angry at reassures us with His mysterious presence.

When we talk about anger, the first thing we must emphasize is that the notion that all anger is bad is a misconception. In fact, never getting angry is not a sign of good health. Not getting angry when justice is violated and people are harmed is a sign of psychological problems. Not being able to express anger appropriately exposes us to various issues. Suppressed anger can lead to high blood pressure. It can also push us to overeat, overdrink, smoke, and use drugs. We also have a higher risk of heart problems, depression, and high blood pressure. Managing our anger properly helps us maintain healthy blood pressure and overall well-being. _[5]

The Better Approach

Our response to anger might elicit  either more anger or understanding. When does our anger provoke more anger? Mostly, when we express our anger in a way that accuses and judges the person we are angry at. It’s foolish to expect a positive response from someone we accuse, especially when our anger reflects contempt. The reason our anger breeds more anger is clear: our listener perceives our anger as a verbal attack meant to hurt them. What can we expect from someone who feels attacked by our words? Their response will lean towards defense rather than understanding.

Can we prevent our anger from creating more anger? Can our anger open a path to understanding and reconciliation rather than further conflict? The answer is yes. If we want our anger to bring about positive change, we need to drastically change how we express it.

Psychologists explain that for our anger to bring about the attention and change we seek, the focus should shift from the person who angered us to ourselves. This shift occurs when we find a way to express our anger with ourselves at the center. When we center our expression on ourselves, we are less likely to provoke the other person. This is because the person listening to our anger doesn’t feel attacked. Instead, our focus is on expressing our feelings, explaining how we interpreted the event, and showing our vulnerability.

What is the benefit of focusing on ourselves? First and foremost, it makes us take responsibility for our anger. The message is, “I am angry,” rather than, “You made me angry.” We also explain the reason for our anger based on our interpretation of the event. This kind of expression and understanding helps us control our anger, rather than seeing it as something beyond our control.

Let’s take two different examples of anger expression. If our loved one repeatedly doesn’t seem to be listening to us, we might explode and say, “You never listen to me!” We can express the same sentiment by saying, “Today, when you left while I was talking, I felt angry because I interpreted it as you not valuing or paying attention to my thoughts. I would appreciate it if you would listen to me when I speak.”

There’s a world of difference between these two expressions. The first is accusatory, taking the issue out of the specific incident and turning it into a blame game. It’s naive to think we can bring peace using phrases like “you never” or “you always.” It suggests that we have deeper unresolved issues and are looking for an opportunity to accuse the other person.

The second expression makes the anger personal. The message is, “I am angry,” not “you made me angry.” We also explain the reason for our anger. We can express the desired future change from that person without being confrontational. Focusing on our feelings prevents our expression from being accusatory. It also gives us the opportunity to express our vulnerability without being confrontational. This helps the other person avoid feeling attacked and becoming defensive. In other words, expressing our feelings is seen as part of our right to express our needs and doesn’t lead to further conflict.

Caution

We need to be cautious because some people are overly self-centered and unable to empathize with others. They might worsen our emotional wounds by adding salt to them. They might create further emotional pain by laughing at or mocking what angered us. If we are angry at such overly self-centered people, it’s best to keep our communication and interaction limited and measured.

Focusing on our feelings doesn’t mean we should sugarcoat our words and ignore other physical expressions of anger. Beyond our words, our tone and body language also convey messages. We cannot bring peace with others if our faces and bodies are tense, no matter how sweet our words are.

Expressing our anger doesn’t mean we should always respond immediately. We must understand that our speech is unlikely to be balanced when we are overwhelmed with emotion. Therefore, we should take time for ourselves if we feel agitated. Remembering a saying I saw posted in a taxi is helpful: “Don’t say something that damages permanent for something temporary.” Taking time for ourselves allows us to control the negative voice that urges us to retaliate and inflict double the damage. This is only possible when we are calm. Then, our focus shifts from hurting the other person to expressing what we expect from them.

The Path to Peace and Reconciliation

Our role is crucial in determining whether our anger expression leads to further conflict or brings peace and reconciliation. The fundamental difference between these two outcomes depends on where we focus when we express our anger. If we focus on our feelings, the event, the reason for our anger, and suggest the desired future change without being judgmental, it will be positive. The message shows that we believe the problem lies in the action, not the person’s character. This helps us limit our anger, opens a path to mutual understanding, and becomes a humble invitation for change by showing our vulnerability. It also greatly increases the chance of reconciliation.

[1] Given that the article was originally written in Amharic and then translated into English using AI, it’s important to be mindful of potential nuances that might have been lost in translation.

[2] Gill Bloxham and W. Doyle Gentry. Anger management for dummies (John Wiley & Sons, 2010), 24.

[3] Howard Kassinove, Anger disorders: Definition, diagnosis, and treatment (Taylor & Francis, 2014), 88.

[4] Psalm 44:9-19

[5] Sandra P. Thomas, “Age differences in anger frequency, intensity, and expression.” Journal of the American Psychiatric Nurses Association 8, no. 2 (2002): 44-50, 44.